Empowered Traditionalist

Today, we’re going to explore the intimidation factor. For some of you, this won’t ring any bells. For others of you, it will raise a red flag and ring lots of bells. Perhaps you have heard men describe you as intimidating, though usually you only hear it second-hand and it puzzles or angers you. When women are described as intimidating, it’s not the same way as it’s meant for men. Typically, we’re not physically threatening to men, so what do men mean when they say this?

Intimidation has nothing to do with successful performance but everything to do with attitude.

For example, a single woman asked me what it means when a man says a woman is intimidating. She wanted to know if that was a code word for being too successful, too ugly, too whatever. I told her that I think it has more to do with the “vibe” a woman gives off. This is short-hand, I said, for the demeanor, attitude, and communication style a woman has. A woman is either peaceful and gentle, which are fruits of a heart that is humble and trusts God, or she is turbulent with the pushy arrogance and impatience of a woman who is self-centered. Men are intimidated when they think they will encounter a brick wall in trying to lead or serve a woman like this. It has more to do with an unyielding and judging spirit than competence.
Tara Klena Barthel and Judy Dabler, in their book Peacemaking Women further explain,

Whether at home or in the workplace, women with leadership gifts and strong personalities will be prone to conflict. . . .By leadership gifts we mean the ability to encourage and motivate people to follow. By strong personality we mean that combination of vivaciousness and infectious enthusiasm that often accompanies bright minds and verbal prowess. . . .Sometimes a woman with a strong personality does not understand how she comes across to the people around her. We both cringe when we consider how we related with people when we were in our twenties. Often we were decisive–and intimidating. We were determined–and disrespectful. Instead of understanding that some people thrive in more contemplative environments, we communicated with people in ways that implied we thought they were slow or weak. We were blind on how much our drivenness communicated that we believed others lacked passion and importance simply because they did not strive to accomplish as many goals or objectives as we did. Ironically, that same drivenness came from a desire to succeed and to bless the people around us. But our attitudes and our behaviors put people off and caused conflict.”

If we are marked by attitudes of aggression and disdain for leadership, we will definitely be intimidating. In plain old Christian terms, we need humility.

Women with powerful personalities tend to experience great tension because we know we are to be humble but deep in our hearts a war rages. Even though we would probably not admit it to many people, deep down we believe that compared to others, we often know more, understand more, and have the right way to do things. Such pride leads to conflicts and broken relationships. In the words of Susan Hunt, “Pride always divides, but the cross unites.” God’s grace develops humility in us and enables us to show the world Jesus.

Finally, the authors address the tension women with strong personalities can create for those in leadership.

Women with strong personalities can be affirming to their leaders, causing them to delight in the joys of having someone who believes in them and supports them with great passion. When those times arise that women with strong personalities are called upon to submit to decisions with which they don’t agree, their same powerful personalities can cause terror in others. Leaders can fear leading strong women because they do not want to endure our disdain.

And there you have it–that last sentence sums up the intimidation factor.
No one wants to endure wrath and disdain from a criticizing woman. Our “competence” is not the problem, sin is. But there is hope for change! God’s grace can enable us all to tame the sinful aspects of a “strong personality” so that we use that same strength with compassion and love, not to dominate but to build up and serve others.

Practical to dos:

-Become an expert Observer. Become a student of others, instead of being focused entirely on our own goals/agenda notice how you can serve others in love.
-Cultivate gratitude. Express your appreciation, in word, deed and notes.

-Remind ourselves that relationships are more important than efficiency

-Ask yourself: What nonverbal cues am I observing? Are they comfortable, or am I talking too fast? How often am I interrupting? Has everyone in the room had an opportunity to talk? Am I communicating genuine interest and care? . . .

Sources, Carolyn McCulley, Susan Hunt,   Tara Klena Barthel and Judy Dabler

Words, words, words. We use them every-day, everywhere. From the children walking home from school in Cambodia, to the CEO of Google Inc. We all use words.

The power of our words can be far-reaching and life-changing.

Ladies do you use your words to encourage the men in your life? Are you holding them up? Often when something goes amuck- we panic. Then we get over it. It is then, that our words are most important. Link arms with your man (whether your father, brother, husband or fiancé) and you tell him nothing has changed, that because of GOD and his grace, he is still wonderful, he is still the man you fell in love with. Let him know, by your words, that he is irreplaceable.

Become a woman who, because of her encouraging words, is absolutely priceless.
God has ordained it so that outward beauty, a pretty face, cannot compete with the inward beauty of a submissive, supporting woman.

The side affect of building up the men in your life is unusual: an overflow of affection.

You doubt it? Try it.

In Conclusion-

Why is Paul bringing this issue up? Why does he make these commands? Why am I so concerned about modest dress? Why should you be concerned about modest dress?

You should be concerned Because, because, because of the Gospel. We are to tie every topic back to the Gospel! The Gospel is the Truth about Jesus Christ. You cannot divorce this verse from the preceding verses 1-7. Eventually every motivation loses it’s power to us…we forget- but this motivation, God and his Son Jesus Christ, will never fade in our memory. Modesty is not just something every girl should be concerned about…ultimately it’s not even about serving our brothers…it’s about the Gospel! Please do not misunderstand, please do not misapply- Paul is not a Conservative!

Paul is so completely absorbed by the glorious Gospel that he doesn’t want immodest women to be a distraction! Godly women, modestly dressed, is the fruit of the gospel. The transforming effect of the gospel is modest hearts. We want the world to see us and say they are different!

A woman who dresses modestly is saying she does not want to reflect poorly or distract from the gospel.

It’s that her attitude and her appearance would show her allegiance to the Savior who was her substitute.
There is to be no contradiction between her profession of godliness and her practice of godliness. She her love for her savior, her love for the gospel, her love for the lost, is all represented in her dress and her respectable apparel. Ladies, you are to be distinctly different because unbelievers are to see you and not be distracted by seeing skin, but to see a woman set apart!

For our brothers who are saved, for the unbelievers who have yet to be saved and ultimately for our Savior who saved us.
that is why we are concerned about modesty.

There is always good news. This is not impossible. We can come to the cross, repent and find the grace to change.

3. The Appearance of the modest woman
Now we’re coming down to the practical application…
Please download and read the “Modesty Heart Check” for 10 questions to ask your self.
Honestly, I have read these questions and found myself guilty on all 10 accounts, but there is always continued grace to get up and fight against our sinful flesh.

• In love, be a true friend, in humility demonstrate godly care and courage by challenging your sisters in regards to their dress. Bring your concern to their attention for them to consider. Don’t impose it, don’t condemn them, offer them an observation to consider .If it is accurate, allow the spirit of God to convict and to speak to their heart.

A few months ago somebody approached me and about a certain shirt, with the concern that it was too form fitting. I immediately informed my sisters and my mom and took care of it. Yes, their observation was correct. But more importantly I thanked them for caring enough to come to me.

• Don’t believe the lie: If I dress modestly the guys won’t like me anymore. I was discussing this with one of my guy friends and he replied:
  

  It’s just not true, “When you dress modestly, we’re not thinking, ‘Where’d she find that — Goodwill? Believe me, we’re thinking, Whew! Finally, a girl who’s smart enough not to flaunt it. Seriously. I promise that’s what we’re thinking!

and you don’t want the type of guy who only likes you for your outward appearance anyway!!

Prov 31:30: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, (IT FADES!) but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Beauty is like a vapor. Are you relying on your beauty or your body to attract a young man? I love roses, they are imply stunning…their freshness, color, fragrance…but no matter how beautiful the flower- it always fades!! Gravity always wins.

This leads us to the more important question-

What kind of man do you want to attract? Are you counting on your pretty face or good figure to attract a man? What happens when those qualities begin to fade?

• Honor your parents in their decisions about modesty, they are trying to protect you. Your dad knows a whole lot more on the issue than you do, if no godly father or w/out standards, find a godly older women, or elders wife- it won’t be easy. But I can promise you the fruit is well worth the cost.

• Regardless of how exhausting the process may be, we made it clear that we would not purchase immodest clothing, no matter how many stores, over how many months- no matter NO COMPROMISE.

• Areas of temptation for all of us: formal attire and swimsuits. There is great opportunity for misunderstanding, and I pray you feel my heart and understand where I’m coming from as I address this issue. This hits close to home.The same motivation that drives our desire to be modest in regular attire should apply to both of these areas. If you wouldn’t wear it to church- why where it to a wedding or the beach? If you would feel uncomfortable if the Lord was standing before you, then that is a good indicator that you are shouldn’t be wearing it.

Application Questions:

Questions for application:
1. Was there a man who arrived to day desirious of worshiping and serving god but instead found himself distracted by you and your body because of the way you were dressed?
2. Is your wardrobe modest, evidencing self-control and respectable apparel? Every outfit- no exceptions. I encourage you not to trust your own judgment. But invite your mother or a godly woman you respect to evaluate your wardrobe. You could even have a party doing it.
3. Do you warmly welcome and interact with those immodestly dressed or do you pass judgment on them and consider yourself superior to them? Have you been looking forward to this message so one of your friends could finally experience conviction?
4. Is there someone you should express an observation to or their dress in general or a particular outfit? Or have you instead submitted to the fear of woman and excused this fear and your disobedience?
5. What is most eye catching about you?

What should be noticeable about a godly woman?

Paul answers the question for us-
“not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—WITH GOOD WORKS.”
It isn’t her dress! It’s her good works.

It’s less time in the bathroom, less time at the mall and more time serving family and the church!
Which are you more preoccupied with? Shopping or good works?

What are you noticed for? Clothes or good works?

What are you known for? Fashion or good works?

What is most eye-catching about you? Your clothing or your character? And Mothers what are your daughters learning from you? For she is surely studying you. Is she learning the latest fashion or is she learning good works?

See Paul isn’t just saying we should dress modestly, he is explaining…we need to take more steps to be adorned with good works. It’s not only modesty in dress, we are to be spiritually adorned with good works.

I must interject here, please do not think that I am advocating that we neglect our personal appearance. Seeking to please God in our pursuit of modesty will not result in trying to look ugly or appear unattractive. On the contrary, pure devotion to God will produce a woman who has an appropriate concern for her apparel.

Looking like a slob or “Frump o Mama” does not reflect the beauty of our Creator, nor enhance opportunities to share the Gospel.
It’s not evil to wear attractive or stylish clothing, it’s not sinful to wear make-up and jewelry. Ester underwent 12 months of beauty treatments, Proverbs 31 was clothed in high quality beauitful fabrics, the Bride in Song of Solomon wore jewelry.

It is wearing them for the wrong motives that the Lord condemns. But when the Lord is the object of our modesty pursuit we will have a godly concern for these issues.

Point 2 continued…

These men are giving a very charitable judgment. Some of us aren’t so innocent, it’ s a battle against our flesh as we desire to be desirable. We long to attract men, to have them laying at our feet. “I can’t help it if they can’t keep their eyes off of me and on Christ! They are just not spiritual enough”

Wrongo!

You are responsible for causing your brother to stumble. We are our brothers keeper. Yes, men have a responsibility to guard their hearts, even though they live in a sex-crazed culture where “underwear has become outerwear” . But when you wear immodest clothing you don’t give them a chance. I plead with you…sisters, friends. Modesty in dress, emanating from a heart in love with Jesus, is so rewarding.

But some of you, perhaps many, have no concept of what a godly man looks like. You don’t know anyone who would even come close to writing a letter like these I just read. Serve them? Yes, dress as if they were godly men, and by doing so you will reflect your Savior and encourage them to be the men God desires. Resolve to be modest because that’s what pleases God. Be willing to stand against the culture, whenever the culture is contrary to the Word and ways of God. Modesty is a protection for you!!!

Our bodies are not vending machines, dispensing eye-candy at little or no cost. Where’s the romance in that? A woman’s body should be like buried treasure waiting to be discovered and cherished by that one man who will love her permanently and selflessly.

We come back to our hearts…where’s your heart?

Rom 12: 2 “don’t be squeezed into the worlds mold!!”

The reason Paul warns us of this danger is because that is our natural tendancy!

I plead with you, where is your heart? What are areas do you have to surrender and ask for grace to change?

One more voice:
Letter #3

We are young men who have been saved and baptized in the Holy Spirit. We desperately want to live for Christ and not follow the ways of the world. We know that guys and girls are affected differently, so could we kindly and respectfully ask you to help us with a few things?
We realize that girls are primarily stimulated or turned on by “touch.” Did you know that guys are turned on by “sight”? When we see girls who are dressed in a suggestive, revealing, provocative, teasing, tantalizing manner, our sexual desires are aroused. Our bodies are then affected. If you are wearing a blouse that barely meets the waist of your slacks and some of your skin shows while you are moving around, or simply while you are walking, sitting, or kneeling, our minds are geared to wonder what more of your body would look like further up….This causes our bodies to respond biologically, and suddenly we are fighting a war in our minds and bodies. And that war of lust is continuing often long, even hours, after you are gone. When you wear low-cut tops which are in any degree revealing, or when you bend over, and they are revealing, this again causes us big problems in the flesh. Or if you are wearing a backless top we automatically think that you do not have the undergarment on, and the Spirit and the flesh begin to fight again. When we see any glimpse of your undergarments, such as straps and the like, we have trouble. What we are trying to say is this: If it is not for sale, don’t advertise it. We believe that the still small voice of the Holy Spirit speaks to you and nudges you when it is too tight, too short, too low, or too revealing. Will you listen to that voice?
Girls, do you know what we would really like? We would like to come among our Christian sisters and not have to fight and struggle in the flesh. We should not have to wrestle in the flesh at church or at church activities. We men, whether young, old, single or married, are faced with this every day among girls of the “world”.
Girls can be fashionable and modest at the same time. To be honest, we respect you more when your appearance is modest, as the Scripture commands in 1 Timothy 2:9. We really do not want the kind of girl who dresses provocatively, for we know that if we marry her, she will still be that way in the presence of other men once we are married.
Thank you, dear Christian sisters, for hearing our hearts on this subject. We really are “our brother’s keeper.” (Genesis 4:9.) We as Christians must “march to the beat of a different drummer.” Please, girls, do not say, “I don’t care,” but help us in these last days to live as close to Jesus as we can. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,

Committed Christian Guys”

Letter #2

“The one place where I might think not to have to face temptation is at church. But this is not always the case, When ladies that I’m friends with dress immodestly it definitely has a negative effect on our friendship. When she dresses immodestly it doesn’t make it easy to see her as a sister in Christ. There is a constant battle going on as I’m talking with her. Communication becomes more difficult, because as I’m trying to listen to her I’m also trying to fight temptation. I also think that some ladies just aren’t aware that even little things can distract guys a lot. Showing even a little part of their stomach, wearing bags that have a strap that goes between their breasts. Etc.
I am so grateful for the friendships god has given me over the past year and half, for the godly ladies in my care group. I am so appreciative of the sacrifice these ladies make to glorify god and serve the guys. I heard a story of one of the ladies in our ministry who went shopping and really liked a shirt she was trying on but then she thought: “no I can’t do this to the guys” that was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that and it made me so grateful. It’s such a blessing to have friends who care for me enough to be self-less and sacrifice what might look attractive to help me and other guys with sexual lust. When ladies dress modestly it is attractive, (and CJ. Inserts, “Oh yes, there is nothing more attractive than a godly women dressed modestly) and makes me want to hang out with them more. I think modesty is so attractive and helpful in friendship because it makes easier for a friendship to be centered around God and fellowship to be unhindered. “

Letter #1

“If I could say anything to the women in the church, it would be this. First, there is not a man I know that doesn’t in some way struggle with lust. If they had any idea what went through guys minds it would probably vastly change the way they dress. Secondly, and I think most importantly, God has created his church to be a resting place for Christians, to be a place where people can encounter God with out all the distractions. It is disappointing when I walk into the church or an event with the church and have deal with the same temptations I that face in the world. But I rejoice whenever I see a girl or women who is attempting to serve the lord and guys by dressing modestly. You have no idea how sweet and challenging it is when I see a women who has decided not to flaunt her body like the culture shouts for her to do but rather she has decided that serving the lord and her brothers is more important. Glory to God for women like that! And let us be a church with men who are committed to purity and women who are committed to modesty.”