-By Carolyn McCulley
Today, we’re going to explore the intimidation factor. For some of you, this won’t ring any bells. For others of you, it will raise a red flag and ring lots of bells. Perhaps you have heard men describe you as intimidating, though usually you only hear it second-hand and it puzzles or angers you. When women are described as intimidating, it’s not the same way as it’s meant for men. Typically, we’re not physically threatening to men, so what do men mean when they say this?
Intimidation has nothing to do with successful performance but everything to do with attitude.
For example, a single woman asked me what it means when a man says a woman is intimidating. She wanted to know if that was a code word for being too successful, too ugly, too whatever. I told her that I think it has more to do with the “vibe” a woman gives off. This is short-hand, I said, for the demeanor, attitude, and communication style a woman has. A woman is either peaceful and gentle, which are fruits of a heart that is humble and trusts God, or she is turbulent with the pushy arrogance and impatience of a woman who is self-centered. Men are intimidated when they think they will encounter a brick wall in trying to lead or serve a woman like this. It has more to do with an unyielding and judging spirit than competence.
Tara Klena Barthel and Judy Dabler, in their book Peacemaking Women further explain,
Whether at home or in the workplace, women with leadership gifts and strong personalities will be prone to conflict. . . .By leadership gifts we mean the ability to encourage and motivate people to follow. By strong personality we mean that combination of vivaciousness and infectious enthusiasm that often accompanies bright minds and verbal prowess. . . .Sometimes a woman with a strong personality does not understand how she comes across to the people around her. We both cringe when we consider how we related with people when we were in our twenties. Often we were decisive–and intimidating. We were determined–and disrespectful. Instead of understanding that some people thrive in more contemplative environments, we communicated with people in ways that implied we thought they were slow or weak. We were blind on how much our drivenness communicated that we believed others lacked passion and importance simply because they did not strive to accomplish as many goals or objectives as we did. Ironically, that same drivenness came from a desire to succeed and to bless the people around us. But our attitudes and our behaviors put people off and caused conflict.”
If we are marked by attitudes of aggression and disdain for leadership, we will definitely be intimidating. In plain old Christian terms, we need humility.
Women with powerful personalities tend to experience great tension because we know we are to be humble but deep in our hearts a war rages. Even though we would probably not admit it to many people, deep down we believe that compared to others, we often know more, understand more, and have the right way to do things. Such pride leads to conflicts and broken relationships. In the words of Susan Hunt, “Pride always divides, but the cross unites.” God’s grace develops humility in us and enables us to show the world Jesus.
Finally, the authors address the tension women with strong personalities can create for those in leadership.
Women with strong personalities can be affirming to their leaders, causing them to delight in the joys of having someone who believes in them and supports them with great passion. When those times arise that women with strong personalities are called upon to submit to decisions with which they don’t agree, their same powerful personalities can cause terror in others. Leaders can fear leading strong women because they do not want to endure our disdain.
And there you have it–that last sentence sums up the intimidation factor.
No one wants to endure wrath and disdain from a criticizing woman. Our “competence” is not the problem, sin is. But there is hope for change! God’s grace can enable us all to tame the sinful aspects of a “strong personality” so that we use that same strength with compassion and love, not to dominate but to build up and serve others.
Practical to dos:
-Become an expert Observer. Become a student of others, instead of being focused entirely on our own goals/agenda notice how you can serve others in love.
-Cultivate gratitude. Express your appreciation, in word, deed and notes.
-Remind ourselves that relationships are more important than efficiency
-Ask yourself: What nonverbal cues am I observing? Are they comfortable, or am I talking too fast? How often am I interrupting? Has everyone in the room had an opportunity to talk? Am I communicating genuine interest and care? . . .
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Susan Hunt, Tara Klena Barthel and Judy Dabler
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