Oct 07 2008
Hope Deferred: What happens when the guy I like doesn’t like me?
Written by guest blogger, Natalie Nyquist. Read more about this godly woman Here
I’ve been in every position you can imagine: the one interested, the one uninterested and even the plan-the-wedding, live-for-his-attention, cannot-imagine-life-without-him hope and subsequent heartache. Years removed, and with far deeper joys and sorrows woven into my life, it does not seem as devastating as it felt at the time.
But it hurts. What can we do?
The below thoughts are not comprehensive nor meant to be followed in a strict order; each situation’s uniqueness prohibits that. They are lessons learned through the blood, sweat, and tears. Hope deferred or destroyed brings pain. Yet to forestall all future hope is even worse.
- Feel the pain. Cry the tears: Don’t pretend that the disappointment and hurt are trivial. Whether it is to a parent, mentor, girlfriend, or God alone, allow yourself to acknowledge the pain you are feeling. Journaling and talking to a trusted friend can help speed up the healing process. We see this step toward healing throughout the Psalms (e.g. Psalm 69:3, 29).
Sometimes I wondered if crying accomplished anything beyond giving me red eyes and a headache. Would I ever run out of tears? Mentors counseled me that tears serve a vital purpose and should not always be stifled. Verses like Psalm 56:8 brought sweet comfort as I tried to process my intense, often contradictory feelings.
- Feed your heart and mind truth about God’s character and actions: Feelings are never the most accurate gauge of reality. When you experience heartache and disappointment those emotions become even less trustworthy. You often feel unattractive, confused, and lonely. Fight the temptation to base your worth or attractiveness or suitability for marriage on any one person’s opinion or actions. Don’t give in to self-pity and discouragement. I know this is beyond difficult—I’m writing to myself here.
This is an ideal time to purposefully soak your mind in the Bible’s truth about life, about God, and about yourself. Carve out time every day to focus on God and on seeking His perspective for your life. Remember that He is the God who comforts us in all our affliction including pain from disappointed hopes (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). We are not commanded to understand God or understand the “why” of heartache. We are only commanded to give our anxious thoughts into His keeping and trust Him.
- Guard your freedom and an undistracted mind (1 Corinthians 7:34): This applies just as much before the disappointment as afterward. The temptation to mentally, emotionally, and relationally build your future hopes and life around any one person (when you are not in a healthy, committed relationship) must be fought as many times as needed Don’t give in and stake your whole future health and happiness on a man who has not and may not commit to you.
In my opinion this is one of the most difficult steps to take. It is vital to fulfilling God’s purpose for you during your season as a single woman, however long or short that season may be. Whether serving the Lord with an undistracted mind means continuing your education, a trip overseas, or participating in activities that put distance between you and the man, do what God has given you to do. Refuse to put your life on hold or waste a single day.
- Continue to love and be vulnerable in loving, safe relationships: Probably the greatest challenge for me—one which only seems encouraged by our Christian sub-culture—is to avoid shutting myself off from love to avoid further injury. Sometimes courtship is lauded as an alternative to dating because it protects the participants from heartbreak or “giving away their heart.” My generation of ladies who pioneered the new courtship method will testify that neither courtship nor dating guarantees pain-free relationships, marriage, or your own personal happily-ever-after. Relationships, no matter the term used or safeguards implemented, will bring some pain and risk. Nevertheless, love fully.
And when (not if) hurt occurs, love again. Allow the pain to stretch out deeper places in your heart for love to grow and flourish. You do not love and risk solely for the other person in the relationship. Ultimately your love is an offering to God. This is why every sacrifice made on behalf of godly, selfless love is not wasted. Biblical love is never a mistake; God will use it.
One of my favorite authors says it best: “Even if it were granted that insurances against heartbreak were our highest wisdom, does God Himself offer them? Apparently not. We draw nearer to God, then, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him. To love at all is to be vulnerable. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it” (The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis, 170).
Pray for maturity (Ephesians 4:13). Pray for guidance to know and do God’s will (Colossians 4:12). Whatever the reason may be that your hopes for a relationship did not work out, you can benefit from diligently working to become a righteous, confident woman of God, secure in her position in Christ and enjoying all the beauty and adventure life brings.
The term “A Hope Deferred” comes from the Psalms which speak of “a hope deferred makes the heart sick”. Quest explores ways to respond when our hopes for romance and marriage are deferred or disappointed, particularly when hopes were set on a specific man who seemed to embody everything we dreamed of (read more here
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Natalie- I so appreciate your experience and wisdom. I have struggled with this area in the past and found your article to be so helpful in combating the tendency to become “invincible”. “I’ve been hurt, so I won’t let any guy get close…”
Yes, be guarded, exercise self-control, (preaching the truth to yourself) but also:
“Relationships, no matter the term used or safeguards implemented, will bring some pain and risk. Nevertheless, love fully.”
Great post!!! I’m sure I’ll come back to this as a reference…
Thank-you.
Thank you so much for this insight.
I’ve been hurt in the last year, and the depth is only now becoming clear to me, thanks so much though. This is very encouraging to me.
This is a great article. I want to let all the people who have been “hurt” (so, I’m pretty certain everyone at some time) that you are fantastic, that you can optimize your time as a single person, and that you have the single-mindedness to pursue God and fall in love with Him… and He will be there when every other human relationship fails!
Spend time becoming the amazing person you are! You have one life to live – and you have the freedom to love it right now!
P.S. – I’ve been there, and I can honestly say that holding out for the right person in the future is better than settling for the wrong person now. Don’t give up hope – place that hope in God!