Jan 29 2009
Are you Single?
How do I prepare for marriage and at the same time guard my heart?
As women, this is an incredibly difficult task because we were specifically created out of man for man. However, if we trust Jesus, we can trust that He has the best for us – whether that be a life of singleness or marriage. I think it is wise to prepare to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. If we stay single, these skills will serve us and others well – our families, our communities, and any domain that God grants us ministry in. Set your heart before Him, guarding it in purity, but keeping it tender in hope.
Five “Rules” For Women:
Don’t
Assume
Expect
Initiate
Manipulate
(And if it’s from God) Don’t fight
What are some ways I can prepare to be my husband’s helper/completer?
There are so many things I wish I would have known to learn or areas I needed to grow in before I was married. It is with this hindsight that I offer to you my list of “to do’s” before you become married (remember, these will also serve you and others well as a single woman living for God):
- Know Jesus Christ. You will not be able to fully love and give yourself to a man until you have let Jesus into your heart to change it, heal it, and nurture it. Love Him above all else.
- Purity. If you have struggles with attachments to men, sexual addictions, past abortions, sexual abuse, commitment issues, etc., deal with these now. Do not let a day go by that you hold onto any brokenness or sin that needs dealt with. Submit yourself humbly to God and He will help you. Get help from others as well. Remember, Jesus heals the broken-hearted.
- Deal with your “core” lies. We all have lies we believe about ourselves and Satan wants to use them to tear us and others apart. To determine your “core lies,” watch for things that make you angry, anxious, or depressed. The core lies are usually under there. Whatever goals we’ve created because of our core lies have to go. For example, one of my core was “I am not good enough.” If I felt threatened in a situation that hit on my lie (“why did you let the kids watch T.V. today?) and I would get very angry and defensive. I had to let go of that lie because it would affect how I treated my husband. I also had to learn the truth – that Jesus loves me so much that He died for me and He is the ONLY one who has the authority to tell me who I am.
- choose now to let your future husband be who he is and that “he is enough for me”. Men struggle with feeling that they are not enough. Be a refuge and place where he can experience freedom and grace. Be his biggest fan
- Become a wise steward of your finances. Learn how to balance a checkbook, budget (and stick to it), and save. If you have debt, work diligently now to pay it off.
- Learn a few “domestic” skills, such as sewing, canning, knitting, painting, crafting, etc. (These come in handy if you have to live frugally and when you have kiddos).
- Let go of your independence. I cannot tell you how much you holding onto your own “rights” or independence will harm your marriage. Here is an excerpt my friend Laura wrote regarding this:
Perhaps the most significant thing you will sacrifice is the spirit of independence which is destroying women. There is no room for the independent spirit in a woman’s life: we simply cannot love a man, children, or others well if we are entangled in this popular mentality that we are the center of the universe and we should have everything our way and we should be able to accomplish everything we desire and we shouldn’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves.
If you want to be great in God’s kingdom, learn to be the servant of all.
In the world’s eyes, you will be sacrificing so much, but in God’s eyes, you will be the lifeblood of His next generation, a generation who will praise His name.
Recommended Resource
Five Aspects of Woman Bible Study by Barbara Mouser
Sarah Mae is the wife of Jesse, a very cool motorcycling husband, and the mommy of two (almost three) sweet, amazing kiddos! She is a homemaker who is inspired by Jesus, coffee, poetry, art, love, good music, kisses from her little ones in the middle of the day and lying in a field staring up into the wild blue…
You can find her over at Like A Warm Cup Of Coffee!
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I have to say, being newly engaged, that I really appreciate the hearts of women who desire to prepare for someone they haven’t met (that’s what I was doing when God pointed my fiance out to me!) but I feel like independence is getting a bad rap. There’s a fine line that needs to be clearly marked between independence and self-centric, I agree, but also between being a servant and being in an unhealthy relationship. Both extremes are dangerous! The independence that is healthy is a total DEpendence on God, and not on man. The man I love does not define me, rather we are both defined by the Most High Father. Until I stand before God and my loved ones and profess that we are one in body, mind, and spirit, I am still an individual who chooses to serve and to fight for others with the Spirit and the Bride. You can still be a free-spirit (free from sin and death by our Lord Jesus Christ!) while still being overtly engaged in serving the lives of the people around you. Let’s not forget to encourage the development of the strength and wisdom seen in the Proverbs 31 woman, as well as her incredible homemaking skills.
I think I might hate wordpress.
I just wrote a very long response to Callie, and it DELETED IT! Grrr…
Okay, I think I need to take a break and hopefully can write it again later!
Blessings to you Callie!
Thank you for addressing people preparing for marriage. Indeed, both sides need to give up the illusion of independence. When the Scriptures speak of “two becoming one flesh,” that is not just a metaphor. From then on, the couple is joined. Power struggles do not belong in the realm of being “one flesh.” Seek God as the Head of the family, and you will have a successful marriage.
Rev. Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
author of Save Your Christian Marriage
That was a wonderful article, Sarah Mae. I am not in a relationship of any sort, but that doesn’t mean I want to use this “in-between years” for ill.
The one I love best is letting go of independence. That is the hardest thing. A woman can express opinions and things, but ALWAYS recognize that hubby is usually wiser….and thus, we should submit.
Thank you for this
[...] source [...]
Ella, I love your name – it is my daughters name!
I though I’d also add the men’s “rules” as well – here they are:
Move with strength and wisdom
Communicate clearly with words and actions
Wow thanks! Great post!!
Thank you for the post. Very encouraging, wonderful advice.
Sarah Mae, I have a question for you. I just graduated from college. No man in sight, so I am wondering about going on to grad school. All I’ve ever wanted to be is a wife and mother, but I’ve never had a boyfriend and am starting to wonder if I ever will. I want to be busy while I wait. I love to learn, and I want to help people. Do you think that it would scare a man off to have or be working toward an advanced degree? I would be most willing to simply drop my degree if the right man came along.
Dear Claire,
I think it is wise to also evaluate how you can be serving others and the body of Christ during your singleness. You are in such a precious season of life, and you can make it so rich by first focusing how you could use your gifts to serve others. I would encourage you to check out the book, The Rich Single’s Life and Singled Out for Him.These two books showed me the incredible opportunity you have as a single to live for the glory of God. Singled Out for Him by Nancy Leigh Demoss is a short quick read with a powerful call to purposeful singlehood. This is not to say that pursing an advanced degree is out of the question, but rather an opportunity to evaluate what how you can use your single years for the greatest furtherance of the kingdom.
God bless!
Lindsay
Thank you, Linday! I really apprecite your insight. I will definitely check out those books.
Oops, I see I spelled your name wrong, Lindsay. Oh, and “appreciate,” too…sorry!
Hi Claire,
My personal opinion is that if you feel led to go to grad school, GO. Now is the time. It would be unwise to go when you have a husband and children. I was actually all set to go to grad school when my now husband and I realized that it wouldn’t work – in fact, for us it was either break up and go to grad school or get married (because of the distance there would be between us)!
Something else to think about…are you planning on being a stay-at-home mom and homemaker? If you are, are you prepared to let your grad degree “go to waste” so to speak? (I would in a heart beat, but then again, my degree would have been something useful for church ministry or at home counseling, allowing me to still put my family first).
I really believe you must seek the Lord diligently with this decision – He will give you an answer. Sometimes we just have to start the ball rolling and see what happens.
Saying a prayer for you!
Thank you, Sarah Mae. I really appreciate you insight, as well. To be honest, I can’t say that I feel led to begin grad school; I just love to learn (and found out I really did not want to teach in public school, per my student teaching experience for my undergrad). But yes, I would be willing to let an finished/unfinished advanced degree “go to waste,” because I’m not sure that that knowledge would necessarily be wasted. I simply love to learn, and why not be the smartest wife I can possibly be?
I do have a passion for children, esp. orphans, as well as writing and illustrating. What do I do with all this? *sigh* I will keep praying. Thank you for responding. And for your prayer–that means a lot.
“…and why not be the smartest wife I can possibly be?”
I love your way of putting it! I always struggle to explain to people that, eventough I am studying and working at the moment, I do believe that being a mom and homemaker is my ultimate calling. Having said that, I do not believe that any education or experience that I may be getting now will ever be wasted, especially because I would like to homeschool my children one day.
Hey sister and readers – you may be interested in reading a post I compiled a few months back on Preparing to be Homemakers. I believe it is very valuable to prepare wisely for the future, for those skills are not just limited to marriage…as God has designed each women to be a home builder, whether she is married or single. Love you dear!
Excellent comments Linds- (I so wanted to write in your nickname…but I refrained
Thanks!
I just read Lindsey’s article and it is FANTASTIC!!!
I’m going to link to it on my blog!
I linked to this post from my blog. Thank you so much. Sometimes this “stage” can feel so hard. But by God’s grace I’m doing okay.
“Five “Rules” For Women:
Don’t
Assume
Expect
Initiate
Manipulate
(And if it’s from God) Don’t fight”
Delete the “initiate” from the list and it would be a wonderful list for men and women alike
Why should women not initiate? And not initiate what, exactly?
[...] I was reading this passage on What to do while Single and thought it was a good read with practical [...]