May 19 2009
Pride in dress: Christa Responds
I wanted to respond to this, as this is an important issue and one deserving some thought. I desire this blog to be a place where women can disagree, if necessary, and disagree graciously. I was grateful for this commenter, and I encourage any other young women who have similar questions to bring them up. At 21, I still have a lot to learn and am continually growing in my understanding of modesty and Christian maturity. I will never be above criticism, or need for heart examination. Thank you for your patience and understanding with a fellow sinner.
“I have been reading some of the posts on your blog recently and am quite concerned with the attitude that seems to be displayed. I’m sure you do not mean to come off this way, but much of what I have read gives me the impression that you are not being truly modest at heart. You stress modesty all over your website, but you seem to have missed the point. “Modesty” means humility/not drawing attention to oneself. I do believe just as strongly as you do that part of this humility means a woman should not flaunt her “feminine charms” (if you know what I mean). But modesty does not simply mean covering up. It is an attitude of humility and not thinking too highly of oneself.
I understand that you have a passion for fashion (nothing wrong with that) and that one of the main topics your website addresses is how to glorify God by being modest and feminine at the same time. I agree that women should dress like women and wearing pretty clothes can glorify our Creator who gave us feminine bodies. But do the following phrases sound modest to you?:
‘The blouse can make all the difference, t-shirt says “I’m comfy and I don’t want to expend any effort”, pretty blouses or cardigansThis is my day to shine, watch out boys, here I come!”’
‘An ET is smart, because she purchases timeless styles and rejects the trends to purchase cheap new fashions every season, saving bundles of money’
‘An ET stands out. Since she does not let the winds of fashion effect her decisions, she actually wears cuter apparel- she stands out compared to what every one else is wearing. (those Captivated Modernists).’
When I read phrases like these I see pride. “A modest woman would not say “this is my day to shine”, but rather “Heavenly Father, shine through me. Shine so bright that others won’t see me at all.” A modest woman would not tell the world that she is “smart” because she has better fashion sense or “wears cuter apparel” than others. When you speak of standing out, I get the impression your motivation is to draw male attention to yourself and away from other girls; but I’m hoping your motivation is to not be conformed to the world.”
Paul was not a Conservative
When we talk about modesty, and start looking into the meaning of words, and what Paul was getting at in 1 Tim 2, it provides a helpful light on the topic of modesty. You’re right, and I can never stress this enough, modesty originates first in the heart. Modesty in the Greek, means “shamefacedness” in the sense of “sorrow for ever causing a brother to stumble”. So yes, heart before hemline.
But please don’t misunderstand- Paul was not a conservative! Most women assume, “Paul was conservative, so we should be too” . No, it’s more, “Paul loved the Gospel, so we should too” and that passion for God’s glory will direct our apparel.
Ultimately- it comes down to the supreme worth of the Gospel.
What he cared about was the Gospel- Point to it! Show the beauty of it! Live your lives as testimony to the world that IT, the good news of Jesus Christ, is your Supreme treasure! It is the ultimate.
Our clothing choices, our lifestyle choices- they should all reflect the Gospel. Paul addressed modesty, because he didn’t want anything being a distraction.
Does that mean dressing modestly is drudgery?
With the Gospel at the center, dressing modestly is not drudgery- It is a delight. That is why I get excited and come out with phrases like: ““This is my day to shine, watch out boys, here I come!”. I’m enjoying myself. To some extent these are facetious, my heart is not to get all the attention, it’s like saying: “I’m dressed nicely, and I’m happy about it”!
I want to communicate to my readers the delight of modest dress. Always be on guard against pride in dress, yes, but in all that heart searching don’t forget the joy of being femininely attired to His glory.
Your post “How to be a Lady” also raised some concerns in my heart. A lot of what you said was great, but much of it was… well… frivolous. Gum chewing not lady-like? Seriously? You are concerned with attracting godly men, but I should hope that godly men would look at a girl’s heart, pattern of life, etc. rather than being turned off by gum chewing (even if he does think it’s a little gross). It seems most of these kinds of things are merely preference issues, and aren’t worth the attention given to them. When I started dating my boyfriend, I realized that he never even notices such minutiae.”
What’s the big deal?
To some extent I agree with you, yea- gum-chewing- no big deal right? But on the other hand, I disagree. It is the small things that make up ones character. (“As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion”) And while gum-chewing and sitting with your ankles together, and avoiding swearing may not be big issues in and of themselves- when a woman makes a conscious effort to be faithful in the small things; there WILL be a noticeable difference between her and the casual women of our society.
These practical tips aren’t things I picked out of a hat, this is basic etiquette passed down from generations before- things that communicate (at least in our culture) that we are different. We are women. Not men.
When women rejected Femininity for Feminism, guess what institutions went out of business? The Finishing schools, those venerable establishments that taught girls how to be graceful women. I don’t think that was a coincidence. When we see these “Lady-like” practices as trivial, we’re communicating that we don’t care to put the effort and energy into demonstrating practical femininity. We’d just rather be comfortable. Practical femininity is going to look different for every girl out there- these are merely a set of guidelines to serve the young women who want some practical tips on “How to Be a Lady”.
Ultimately, I care about Feminine decorum because I cherish the Gospel. I want to display femininity through my behavior because it shows an aspect of womanhood that is encouraged in the Scriptures.
The motivation for being “Lady like” is not to attract a good guy. It’s to revel in our appointment as women.
“Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m sure you have the best intentions behind everything you have posted on your website. But I have had many struggles with dressing certain ways, wearing my hair certain ways, carrying myself a certain way, etc. in order to stand out from the crowd. I realized that I was doing this for my own glory. There’s nothing wrong with dressing pretty or carrying yourself like a princess, as long as you’re not doing it because you want everyone to think you are a princess. The bible instructs us to humble ourselves and we will be exalted. Don’t just make a show of being humble in order to exalt yourself. Be truly humble inside AND OUT and you will be precious in the sight of the Lord.”
This is right on. I am in complete agreement and affirm everything you wrote. Heart first. Wardrobe second.
All my best,
Christa
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Very well said, Christa. Let’s not forget that Queen Esther dressed in her finest royal gowns when she went on assignment to ask for the life of her people – God’s people. First she fasted and prayed for three days. But then she adorned her robes and crown. She did not go on God’s assignment dressed in beggar’s clothes. She dressed for success with God-sized confidence!
Very good example.
Christa- I agree. You gave a wonderful, gentle refutation to those who would claim that cute is synonymous with immodest. Thanks for taking the time to write that.
Becca – First of all, I must say, that I appreciated Christa’s kind response. I must also say, that though the Commenter raised questions and “constructive criticism,” she was also gracious, not blatant or harsh. Therefore it doesn’t seem right that you should accuse her of equating cute with immodest, as she never claims that.
I hope I do NOT offend you by this comment. We just need to be careful of what we say about people, even if they don’t have the same opinions as us. Believe me, I certainly don’t have it all together! God bless you.
God Bless you for handling that with grace, It shows how beautiful AND modest you are in both senses of the word. ; )
I agree with all you and your reader said. I do not think dressing beautifully is immodest, as you can be poor and dress beautifully. One could be pridefull while dressing poorly. It is all with how your heart is aligned.
Christa,
I just finished purchasing some items from you clothing line and am very excited to get them. When I stumbled upon this article I admit I felt a bit sad. There is no disputing that our Lord sees our heart first. As believers, this is a basic principle and an improtant one. How I answer the question of “true modesty” is….. look around. Look at the flowers, the animals, the many different shades of the human race. God LOVES beauty. His creation is proof of it. He came that we ” might have life, and have it abundantly.” As a stay at home Christian wife and mom of 3 I feel very strongly about looking feminine and attractive for my husband and my children. I believe it is pleasing to God that I put this effort into my marriage along with many other things. It is beyond wonderful to have found a clothing line that will help me do that. As believers I feel we should assume the best of each other. While reading through both of your blogs I can only assume you wish to use your love of fashion as a way to glorify God and to help others do that as well. It would not be for me to judge otherwise. I wish you blessings in your endeavors and look forward to seeing upcoming lines!
To the Commenter,
I’m sure your intentions were honorable as I would also assume the best of you. Sometimes our thoughts get lost in translation, especially when they are written. I don’t think God sees anything wrong with good healthy debate if it is done in grace and love.
I agree, because we are unable to have face-to-face conversation, things do get lost in translation! God give us grace in writing and speaking.
Graceful response.
Curious though, what do you mean “Paul was not a conservative”? It just doesn’t seem to fit the discussion at hand.
I enjoy how you bring things back to femininity and enjoying being a woman!
It was Paul who spoke of “not being conformed to this world.”
Romans 12:2
“Do not be conformed to this world, but continually be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may be able to determine what God’s will is—what is proper, pleasing, and perfect.”
Hey Sarah Mae,
Thanks for asking for clarification, I appreciate it.
Paul was radical, he was aggressive- for the Gospel. When it comes to the Gospel Paul was not a conservative. It has been my experience (yes, it’s somewhat limited) that women read 1 Tim 2, and assume Paul was super conservative and that’s why he shares on modesty in dress. My position is, because Paul was so radically passionate for the Gospel, he cared about modesty in dress.
Is that more clear?
CT
Yes – love this view!
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I have to agree with the commenter – this is something I’ve been mulling over for quite awhile in regard to posts over the last month or so on this website. I think she said it very well and raised some very valid concerns. When gum-chewing gets linked to character, one needs to step back and say “Is this crossing over the line into legalism?” It’s really silly. When “rules” like these are set up, it can become a huge stumbling block to Christians who are young in their faith. When I think of one’s character, it is defined by attributes listed in the Bible. Chewing gum, wearing a t-shirt, etc. does not define one’s character. Instead of expending so much time on thinking how to be “feminine” or “a lady”, why don’t we use that time to think on how to be GODLY? If you’re seeking to follow Christ and be godly, then everything else will fall into place.
Christa, you handled that so well!
I have never felt in reading your blog that you were being over-confident or that you were immodest at heart. Even more so, I never would have gotten the feeling from your writings that you do anything to get the attention of boys….it seems to me that you’re just trying to make sure that when the right kind of guy does come around you are the right kind of girl to be there for him.
You are doing so much for young women- you have been an inspiration to myself as well as so many others. Certainly the perceptions of one do not reflect the perceptions of your readers in general.
-Kristin
Good thoughts, Christa. Christian young women have to walk a fine line in many ways, and sometimes both approval and criticism are helpful to keep us on track.
I have to reiterate the question Sarah Mae asked, though – I’m afraid I don’t understand your point that “Paul was not a conservative”?
I’m probably just dense, but I’d like to know, regardless of my density.
No, thank you for asking for clarification- see my response to Sarah Mae above. Let me know if you have any further questions.
To all the Commenters,
I have edited/removed some comments to protect the privacy and dignity of the reader who commented initially.
This post was not a public way of “denouncing” someone who disagrees with me, but rather a way to share my thoughts on this issue openly.
I am grateful for the reader who took the time and energy and gumption to write her thoughts in the first place. Kudos to her. It forces me to wrestle with these issues, and communicate more clearly. I would count it a privilege to know this woman personally, as her heart is obviously to honor God through her dress.
So what you are saying is that Paul did not lack zeal in his passion for Jesus Christ?
Most of us have preconceived notions about the word “conservative”, so perhaps that is where the misunderstanding lies.
Yes, and more than that. Most women assume, “Paul was conservative, so we should be too” . No, it’s more, “Paul loved the Gospel, so we should too” and that passion for God’s glory will direct our apparel.
(see C.J. Mahaney’s message “The Soul of Modesty” for further study)
I am a new fan of your blog was very pleased when I visited you today and discovered that you handled the criticism so graciously.
How we dress and our behavior speaks volumes about whether or not we respect others.
What a great example of how to handle a potential controversy. I also appreciate the original questioner’s thoughts and humility in her response yesterday.
The heart is what matters, as has been said already. Personally, I’ve never read pride into the statements that were asked about, I simply read a desire to encourage other sisters in Christ who are going “against the cultural grain” by choosing modesty.
Fundamentally, if our desire is to stand for Christ, I think that is the key motive. Speaking as a guy, when I look around me, I definitely can see how being feminine, being an “empowered traditionalist,” really IS a strong statement in today’s society. It marks Christians as apart from the world, in a very good way. I love it when people ask me at work why I’m so happy all the time, because it gives me a possible opportunity to share my faith. Similarly, if a godly gal is asked why she is dressing so modestly, or acts so feminine, it provides a window as well. Sometimes the person asking will be derogatory (like a grumpy person who doesn’t like that I’m happy so often, or a feminist who doesn’t like how “old-fashioned” some gals might be acting), but even then, we can turn that toward the Gospel.
On the issue of minutiae, something like not chewing gum could potentially be viewed as legalistic if it doesn’t have the right heart motive. But the little things do matter, and to the extent it’s just one small piece of the puzzle, of acting a certain way out of a desire to submit to the Word and be a good witness, especially in a society that is so lost in sin that women are expected to act like men… that’s not legalism, that’s obedience to God, and obedience to God out of the right heart attitude is the very essence of our Christian walk.
I imagine the little things can also serve as a useful reminder and tool. Sort of like flash cards can be a useful tool toward memorizing Scripture. When those reminders aren’t the end goal in themselves, when they’re just a help toward the proper end goal of godly behavior out of a love for Christ, then praise the Lord indeed.
Just my $0.02. Thanks for this excellent example.
There are two types of pride, in my eyes, first there is false pride, usually linked to false modesty and then there is the oft overlooked true pride. False pride makes one think that they are “better” whether that is because they have more money, more education, better sense of style, or dress more modestly than the women next door. This pride removes you from your fellow man/woman because you have set yourself above them. Once you set yourself above them you can no longer sympathize/empathize with them. Once that happens your ego has taken over and your journey, whether it be through life or faith, has stopped being about ANYTHING that is larger than yourself and has become only about you and how you are better.
This type of false pride and modesty also begets something that I call “competitive piety”. I’m more Jewish/Christian/Muslim/Whatever than you are because of ‘insert whatever it is here’. Sometimes for women this is modest clothing and how one person’s modest is another person’s immodest. I was once told something by a very wise man, a Catholic priest in fact (I don’t need to be Catholic to realize the wisdom in his words). He said “Everyone’s cup for faith and spirituality is a different size. For some people it’s the size of a gigantic coffeehouse mug, for other’s it’s a shot glass. However, the ONLY thing that matters is, is it full?”
Then there is what I call “true pride”. This is what makes a person feel a sense of self worth, to be able to own the word “no” and to use it when someone is trying to make them do something contrary to their personal morals. A sense of healthy true pride makes one care about how they come across to other people, makes them wish to not be offensive. We are ambassadors to other people for our cultures/religons (whatever they may be) in our actions, our words, making sure that those two match up by the way and also with our appearance. I try to take a certain amount of healthy pride in how I come across because you never know when you are dealing with someone who has never been exposed to your culture or your religon and it’s up to you to make a lasting and good impression. I am a Jewish woman who lives in an area where I am in the extreme minority and thus truly try to put my best foot forward in public and in private for my culture and my faith. My closest friend, who is a Protestant Christian feels the same as I do.
This was quite longer than I had originally intended….
Wow. I’m a new reader and I’m so impressed by you and your readers for the unbelievable amount of grace and decorum shown. I have to say that I mostly agree with you and definitely appreciate how you handled this reader’s objection. I hope I continue to be so pleasantly surprised in future posts and subsequent comments. God bless you.
I see in the comments that some of us feel that things like pointing a finger at “gum chewing” is silly and crossing a line into legalism. When I read that particular post, I did not feel as if Christa was saying that gum-chewing, or being “one of the boys” is ungodly or a mark on one’s character. Rather, it can just be plain un-ladylike.
As a married woman in my 30’s (yes, I know I’m old), I see a growing trend of girls – young women – who do not know how to be ladylike. And I find it refreshing that young women have a resource here to help in that area. I think of it along the same lines as personal hygiene. No one’s telling you that you have ungodly character if you don’t brush your teeth every night or use deodorant, but everyone agrees that doing those things is just proper.
Did I say “proper”? Man, I guess I am getting old!
old? My foot. preach it.
Amen!
I agree with being lady-like, but gum chewing actually cleans your teeth
That’s why I chew it when I’m out and about.
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I have been “stalking”
this blog for the last few weeks and finally decided to come out into the open. I am so blessed to see the graciousness of this exchange, both from you and your reader. Blog-world can get so nasty, defensive, and accusative sometimes when controversy comes up, and I appreciate this rare display of how to handle disagreement.
~Carrots
Hmm. Some very thought provoking comments there.
As for the chewing gum issue, I agree–that could come off as legalistic; however, it seemed (the way Christa presented it) to be conveyed as simply a post on courtesy/manners–not a “This-is-a-mark-of-a-Biblical-woman” post.
I do admit to having pause over phrases like “This is my day to shine, watch out boys, here I come!” It’s obvious (in other posts) that Christa is a great proponent of modesty and purity, but it does come across as a contradiction when blouses are described as “flirty” and attracting boys is considered a plus for an outfit. To me at least, it does send a mixed message.
At the same time, in her posts on ET I think Christa’s heart for purity and Christlikeness is incredibly clear.
Resting in His Mercy,
Beth
While I respect the opinion of the commenter because I can maybe see at first glance how some post comments could be misconstrued if looked at in partial, but like the Bible, you can’t just take out what sounds good, you must look at in the whole context. (No, I’m not comparing a website to the Bible, just saying to to look at something in the full context).
On the cover of my household notebook is Christa’s definitions of an ET. I at 37 thought “This is great, that is me” We must look at society as a whole too. Today’s society is teaching girls to be like everyone else. That boys want the girls who dress with less or are “loose”. So many young girls main goal in life is to “get” a “hot” guy without thinking of the consequences.
Christa’s website teaches that while it is fine to “have” a man, we must do it within Biblical confines. She makes the websit fun and upbeat so that young girls realize that MODESTY does not equal BORING and FRUMPY. If young girls realize they can still be “cute” while attracting a Godly man, they are more apt to follow that direction. As for the chewing gum, I think the big picture is being missed. It is not a Christian or non-Christian act, but Christa, I believe, was at that point doing a little etiquette class. Being a true lady is a dying art, which breaks my heart, and Christa is trying to make being a lady “cool”. I truly feel that Christianity should not have to compete with the secular world by being “cool”, but the sad fact is, we as Christians have allowed it to come to this point.
I have been reading Christa and her two sisters and father’s blog for about a year and they all have great humility, they all seem to have a sense of teaching and giving to others which is very humbling. An ET means to me someone who is confident in the wonderful creation God made and knowing that they are better than no one and no one is superior to them. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, but nothing on this site has ever made me feel Christa has crossed the line into arrogance. Yes, at times, I have had to re-read something in her post, but again, when read in the whole context, it is like “Wow, I wish I had thought of it like that before”.
My daughter is only 16 months old, but I am rearing her to be an ET also! If there were more Christas in the world, we would see morality in young girls and maybe in guys also. No one is perfect, but I salute Christa and her site. Look at this site as a whole (she even gives part of her proceeds from her clothing line to orphans in Cambodia), you will see a confident, modest, God loving young lady who just happens to be bubbly and outgoing while still remaining humble. Keep up the great work!
Wow!
Thanks for doing this wonderful post! I have been following the ET blog for a while and this one really answered some questions. A couple weeks ago I was wondering the exact same things your commenter expressed, only my schedule was too busy for me to sit down address them at the time. I too have wondered about certain joking things, such as “This is my day to shine, watch out boys, here I come!” I’m sure they were meant in a good way, but it came across flirtatious. I mean, that is NOT the attitude I want to have or encourage in my younger sisters with whatever we wear. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best and be considered a pretty, well kept, refined, young woman – but we should not want to distract our brothers in Christ. Which is what such an attitude would accomplish.
Thanks for dealing with this matter so graciously, both of you. I have been encouraged by the ET website and look forward to more great posts in the future. It shows allot of humility Christa to admit to the entire online world your shortcomings and recognize your constant need for a heartcheck. We are all in need of heartchecks daily and we can all learn from your example.
Your sister in Christ,
Lauren Ashley
Christa, I too struggled with seeing and reading some of the same things on you blog – and your fashion site – that your original commenter did.
It is refreshing to see someone bring those things to your attention in love, and to see you accept her comments graciously. I look forward to seeing some changes here — a true test of a changed heart. I was pretty turned off for awhile there, and even stopped visiting your blog as often, but this dailogue has been redeeming.
Praying for prohibition of pride here,
Leah
Yesterday I attended a baby dedication, and the mother–dressed in a very cute, feminine, and modest outfit–chewed gum vigorously throughout the whole dedication. Ungodly? No. Distracting and unsuitable for the occasion? I felt that it was. The issue can be propriety, not legalism.
I read the comment and your response with interest. I think you dealt with it well. When someone criticises us our gut reaction is to become defensive rather than seeing the comments as a chance to relfect on our own beliefs and behaviour and even question them.
I can’t help thinking that although the person who left the comment made some valid points about modesty generally (particularly that modesty should come from the heart and not from the way you dress) they took some of your posts out of context.
For example, I completely agree with you that chewing gum is unladylike. This is not being legalistic. You did not say (I think) that chewing gum makes you a less spiritual person or a worse Christian, you simply said it was unladylike. I could argue that chewing gum is both unhealthy and selfish, because watching someone chewing like a cow chewing over the cud is pretty repulsive. I think it’s pretty ungentlemanly too!
We all know that being a good Christian is about how we treat other people and not how righteous we appear. (The Good Samaritan, anybody?) The heart of being ladylike is about considering other people. Presenting ourselves as a picture of loveliness, whilst possibly not being the most important aspect of considering other people, comes down to trying to make other people’s lives as pleasant as possible because they are ones who have to look at you, smell you and listen to you. It may be better to be a gum chewing person who works in the slums of Calcutta helping other people than a refined and beautiful lady who walks past those in need. However, I’m not aware that loveliness and charity and mutually exclusive.
I liked this, Christa. I like the fact that you STUDY to show yourself approved unto God, and are able to counteract a potential argument from a reader from a biblical standpoint. Even in Christianity today, people can be very narrow, but what I mean is, my background is very staunch, however, I recognize the fact that the Spirit works outside of the box. Paul was NOT a conservative. He wasn’t afraid to tell it like it is. Some churches are producing Christians that don’t know why they believe what they believe. They cannot do what you did- it’s sad. A church can have all the “right doctrine” it wants to, but if they do not go OUT and reach their community for Christ, what good is FAITH if it doesn’t have WORKS? That’s what I see. Thanks for producing a BIBLICAL viewpoint in response to this reader.
I would have felt offended if I had received a letter like the one sent, but I have to say that Christa’s response blessed me! She was kind, gracious, lady-like….and most of all….Christ like. She presented a good example of the kind of reaction Christian ladies should have when confronted by criticism. Her response exemplified graciousness. Thank you Christa! I needed that example!