Nov 05 2009
No Knights for Sale
He’s tall, somewhere around 6′2″, ruggedly handsome, dark hair, muscular build and a smile that makes you melt. And of course, he’s got a beautiful horse (read=nice car) and a castle (great job & house).
He’s the perfect hero right?
Hmm.
Perhaps today, our fairy-tale romances are more of a hindrance than a help.
After hearing, of yet another “relationship refusal” from a godly man to a godly woman, I began to wonder.
Would you go for the same man IF he WERE incredibly handsome?
Are our standards of what men should be and look like biblical or cultural? Statistically, across the American church, women haven proven to be “overly” picky, rather than the converse. Surprised? We shouldn’t be.
By the time we are in our early twenties we have seen enough Jane Austen and Chic fliks to create a standard for potential suitors that would make even Cinderella chuckle.
But I’m not going to give you a “3-rules” approach to choosing the right mate, by any means. Just a reminder- re-align your standards of a future spouse with the standards found in scripture.
Instead of asking “What guy am I attracted to?” Why don’t you ask, “What guy would make a good husband and father?”
Am I saying settle for less? Of course not, just be aware of the false standards Hollywood puts on men (and women) today.
My knight in shining armor does not have to be rich nor famous, but a simple, faithful man , sound in faith and life, whose armor is his character and his humility his fame.
No related posts.
So true!
Maybe the problem is that we do not spend enough time being friends with a man before we enter into a relationship with him?
I am in a relationship with a guy that I didn’t really think handsome when we first met. He was not ugly, but he did not meet many of “requirements” as far as looks were concerned. I’ve always fancied tall, dark guys, with short, straight, dark hair. He was not short, but not much taller than me, with blue eyes, and LONG, light, curly hair! I didn’t even think about it twice.
Slowly but surely we became friends and decided to enter into a relationship. Now I think that he is the most handsome man alive! Mr Darcy don’t have a chance!
Maybe it is because he is also my best friend?
Awwwwwww
I’ve got to agree with you there! I have friends whom I said were ugly–until I really got to know them. Since we met I have gotten to know them very well and actually slapped a friend for saying they were ugly.
To me, knowing their personality, love for Christ, and sweetness, 
makes them some of the most handsome young men I know.
I agree that hollywood has completely disrupted the ideal of a good husband in the eyes of women, however I also believe it’s extremely important to be attracted to the man you marry.
ooooh yes!! That would be truly cruel.
I agree with Cornelia. Having been in a serious relationship myself (with a tall, dark, handsome man that was not the right one), I think that “attractiveness” is much more than the initial WOW factor that most people anticipate. It should be the sum total of who they are + how they appear. Beautiful character, godliness and humility can make any person attractive – that inner beauty shines through the outward shell that we call the body.
Perhaps this is why Scripture calls us to cultivate the adornments of our hearts?
Then we will know how to properly dress the physical woman.
WOW! What an awesome article!
I agree with Kate- although our main focus should not be on the outward appearance of our “Prince Charming”, I still think that it is quite important that we are physically attracted to him. After all, if you do marry him, that is the man you will forsake all others for and be spending the rest of your life with!
However, Christa, you are 100% right in saying that Hollywood has entirely messed the whole “good husband” role with the lie that a cute face is better than strong, godly character. I think that though one may not be completely head-over-heels with “PC” initially (come on, if you really think about it, you are bound to find *some* flaws-no one’s perfect), I think that over time his character will overshadow everything else.
Thanks for this post; I think all of us romantics/Jane-Austen addicts need a reminder every now and then!
super-dee-duper! article … I love your comment cornelia!
It’s definitely a balance. I think that if a woman feels like she’s “settling,” the relationship will never really be a good one. Whether she’s right or wrong in feeling that way, her emotions about it will impact the relationship.
I’m definitely of the opinion that you should marry your best friend – the person whom you can share everything with, since keeping secrets in married life is just a recipe for disaster.
This is so true, Christa. I have talked with a few girls who seem to have unrealistic expectations as far as men go and I can sense a lot of their “standards” have come from the perfect almost fairy-tale like chick flicks they have watched. Just as we would not want guys comparing us to the strong, beautiful, oftentimes overly sexy girls in action movies, we cannot compare them to the handsome, perfectly eloquent men we see in chick flicks.. It’s not fair. Over time, as a relationship progresses, you will begin to see more and more great qualities in your man which will ultimately cause you to fall head over heels for him. But first you’ve got to be willing to give a guy a chance.
It is important to be attracted to the man you marry, but how many times have you seen a movie and rolled your eyes at the handsome egotistical jock and found yourself instead taking notice of the sweet, quiet nerd? There’s a lot more to attraction than looks and I’m afraid too many times girls are quick to judge a book by it’s cover.
Ha ha, so true! I wouldn’t want a guy comparing me to Gwyneth Partlow or Keira Knightley!
haha, I realized the other day that basically everything I want in a guy has come from Willie LaHay in Love’s Enduring Promise. He’s better than Mr. Darcy.
That is too funny, Amanda; I too am guilty of having used Willie as my “Prince Charming’s exterior standard”!
Wonderful article.
Cornelia, my current situation sounds a lot like yours. I was initially not attracted to my boyfriend at all. I was actually interested in his best friend (eekk). But once we started talking and getting to know each other, I realized what an amazing man he was. I now consider him to be my best friend, and I find him really attractive!!
And nice choice for the picture Christa : )
Amen Christa! Wonderful wonderful reminder!! =)
Great post, Christa! No guy could ever be as perfect as the guys in the movies, but we need to find a happy medium. We need to be choosy enough that we won’t just date any man who comes along, but know that’s he’s human at the same time.
And by the way, 6′2″ is a little too tall for me. I perfer him to be no more than 6 inches taller than me, and I’m only 5′1″. LOL =D
lol! too true…I’m 5′2″…I can’t even imagine trying to hold a conversation with someone that tall! my neck would never be the same…
That’s hilarious. I thought I was intimidated by tall guys and I’m 5′6″ !
Absolutely right, and a good reminder. thanks!!
I noticed that when I was saved 2 years ago, my attraction for a guy switched to being based more on theology than looks…but sheesh, every time I watch a chick flick my priorities get out of whack and I have to remind myself that the man I’m looking for is NOT in hollywood.
Thanks again for the reminder.
Great job Christa! This turned out fab’ (: I so enjoyed chatting last night… you and your family are so encouraging. Love you guys!
Amen to an astutely written article!
It’s important to be attracted to your potential man – after all, you’re gonna wake up beside the man you marry for the rest of your days. But looks aren’t everything…
All this reminds me of how my wife was first attracted to me:-
To begin with, she thought I was an ‘A’-grade, prize-winning geek! And an arrogant, car-obsessed one at that! For as much as I’d like to argue, I can’t say she was far from the truth. Suffice it to say that my wardrobe had clocked-up some extensive mileage and urgently needed an overhaul; and as for my 80’s-style haircut, well, it was probably more “gravitiy defying tidal-wave” than “chic New-Wave”…
Despite being condemned to “bachelor oblivion” by these damning handicaps, the thing that first caught my wife’s attention was the way I treated her. In particular, it was on a certain occasion when she could have “lost face” publicly that I covered with a few diplomatic remarks.
We laugh about it now, but as our acquaintance turned into friendship, my wife emphatically prayed AGAINST being attracted to me! She didn’t want to like ‘The Car Geek’. At one point, unknown to me, she told God that if she was to have anything more to do with me, then I HAD to do something about my haircut ! When I turned up at church the following Sunday with a VERY tight military-style ‘cut she almost fell out of her seat…! Eight years later she still says the (not so) new ‘cut makes me look handsome! And I got some help with the wardrobe…
So I suppose that there are two things to learn from this:-
1/ Our looks can change, possibly for the better, but remember we all have a terrible habit of getting old.
2/ How the guy TREATS you is probably more important. Would you be genuinely happy married to a Prince Charming who treated you like a slave? Or would you prefer an ordinary guy who treats you like a lady, wants to give you planet Earth and would be delighted just to be seen in broad daylight with you ?
It’s your call…
Be blessed
Have fun
Good to “see” you around again, Gentleman.
“2/ How the guy TREATS you is probably more important. Would you be genuinely happy married to a Prince Charming who treated you like a slave? Or would you prefer an ordinary guy who treats you like a lady, wants to give you planet Earth and would be delighted just to be seen in broad daylight with you ?
It’s your call…”
This is going to sound really ironic, but all these great thoughts take me back to the novel, “The Tenant of Wildfell Hall,” by Charlotte Bronte’s sister Anne. Anne was committed to bringing real-world issues to light in her novels, even when it made her family uncomfortable.
Branwell Bronte, Anne’s brother, was definitely one of these charming, tall/darks that we’ve been talking about. He also ended up becoming an alcoholic and dying because of it. ‘The Tenant’ portrays his character quite realistically in the fictional Arthur Huntingdon–and Anne Bronte made sure and showed the consequences of his immoral life. His unfortunate wife is the main character. She was captured by his looks and dashing personality in public, but it ended in private AND public misery. Then the plain country farmer walks on stage…
Anyways, I agree with every word so far. Thanks, Christa. Keep it up.
God bless,
~Hannah L.
Always a pleasure, Hannah. I’ve been a fraction indisposed whilst relocating my family over a pretty big distance…
The very thing most people have been talking about in the comments happened to me. My husband is a little bit shorter and more than a year younger than me. It was an issue for both of us at first. But God kept nudging us together. We fell in love with each others character before we did physically. Ahh but after a year of marriage you should see the sparks fly between us! I love that man so much I can hardly keep my hands off him (and he feels the same way). But while we were dating my husband prayed for many months that God would make him attracted to ME- which we always joke about, especially since it wasn’t a problem I had ever had before. But when God is in it what blessings come! Now I only think of the fact that he is shorter than me when we are both standing in the bathroom brushing out teeth, lol, and it doesn’t matter all. I can’t imagine a mate I fit better with, and I know there is no better man on the earth than mine.
Good thoughts, Christa!
I put some similar thoughts in my book, at http://www.lookingforawife.net. Our searches should be focused on core values, character, and our relationships with the Lord.
Thanks for the reminders to pursue what is good and beautiful and true.
–Tim
http://www.timothydeanmills.com
This quote’s in a little different direction but I think it’s applicable:
“Young people love what is interesting and odd, no matter how true or false it is. More mature minds love what is interesting and odd about truth. Fully mature intellects, finally, love truth, even when it appears plain and simple, boring to the ordinary person; for they have noticed that truth tends to reveal its highest wisdom in the guise of simplicity.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
That is a great quote.
Awesome quote!
Sadly, I see many girls playing picky over looks, as you spoke of, but acting pretty liberally on the character issue. In fact, I wrote an article called “What are you waiting for?” dealing with character issues that I see in scripture. I’m all for holding out–for a man of true character and godliness. But looks? Well, in fifty years does it really matter? LOL Sometimes I think reading/watching chic flicks, and even courtship stories, can give us a false idealism…we should align our minds with scripture and with real life and go from there!
Good post, Christa.
Blessings,
Abigail @ Pearls and Diamonds
I’ve come to notice that, like many have suggested, if you fall in love with who they are first, the physical attractiveness comes along with it. When you see someone’s heart, it tends to make them look better to you.
I agree with Kirsten.
Even if you are initially not impressed, even the most “average” looking guy who is deeply in love with God, strong, funny, honest, smart, kind, and treats you like a queen will start to look like “your” knight and shining armor!
Of course, physical attraction is important. But, the basis for that physical attraction doesn’t have to be movie stars.
“The desire of a man is his kindness: and a poor man is better than a liar.” -Proverbs 19:22
It is so refreshing to hear a young woman speaking such wisdom. I have to agree that movies, television, and even some romance novels actually kill a woman’s prospects because they create an image of Mr. Perfect which no man alive can fulfill. The sad irony is that even *if* a man could create himself into such an image, the reality will be hard to handle once the marriage is complete. I’m afraid too many young couples wake up much too late and realize they haven’t married what they thought they were marrying.
My own dearly beloved of 25 years was not my first choice. Yet, it was not his looks, his money, or the way he took command of others. It was his character, his loyalty, his holy life, his genuineness, his love for God and His word, his gentleness with children, his respect for women in general, and his humility, among many, many other qualities, that made him simply irresistible to me.
When I was looking for the man I would spend the rest of my life with, I took the advice of a godly older woman and made a list *before* I started the search. This list was made prayerfully and with an open Bible. I listed the qualities I would want in a man (nothing physical, however) and prayed over that list. I even took it to the alter at church and laid it out before the Lord. I fished that paper out years later after I was married and was delighted to find that my dear husband did indeed fit the criteria perfectly.
If anyone would be interested in our courtship story, it is available for free with sign up for my e-newsletter. However, if you contact me personally, I’ll give it to you without signing up.
I just check out the modesty survey, wow! I had no idea! some of I knew, and stay away from, but I never thought a sheer shirt was imodest….gonna have to revaluate that one! Do you think its still imodest if your wearing another Modest tee unerneath?
Take that stuff with a grain of salt, one can get a bit carried away in the application. The best part, in my opinion, is the end where the guys give comments to the girls on how much they appreciate/respect modesty.
Lovely reminder- thank you! :]
I agree, Christa! However, something I discovered along with sometimes having the tendency to be too picky, was the tendency to forget about becoming the kind of person said ‘knight in shining armor’ would want as well. IOW, it seems like perhaps we as young women should focus more of our attention on becoming the right person instead of just looking for the right person. The right person is gonna want a fellow ‘right person,’ if you know what I mean. IMHO.
Oh wow!!! This is a fabulous article!! Thanks so much for sharing, Christa!!
Very Interesting Article. I agree with some of the earlier posts, that attraction to your husband is important, However, for me and my husband this came SECOND!
When he first expressed an interest in me, I declined his offer of developing a relationship, and actually prayed God would help him deal with it. Amazingly he trusted God and after much prayer from both of us (I did not want to be attracted to someone who I didn’t have sparks with and whom I felt sure God did not want me to marry). He kindly offered to help me move house. His wonderful character on the day, helping me despite my rejection of him and his Godly character really stood out to me. Long story short, God changed my heart and we are now blisfully entering our 9th month of marriage.
I want to encourage other women, not to put immediate attraction, fireworks and sparks as the first indication to marry someone. Please I implore you to look to the mans character. Over time with prayer, I believe attraction will come, I am deeply in love with my husband now and laugh about the time I didn’t want to enter a relationship with him. However, I implore other women to get to know a mans character. His character will shape the way can lead his wife and family. His love for God and building his wife up in God will be much more valuable than any initial attraction.
Finally, I would encourage all women to enter all relationships with prayer, and if available advise from older Godly women (and men). When God is involved it helps us from being blind to the mans character and helps us from being blinded by initial attraction.