Nov 23 2009
No Detours to the aisle!
Mason walked into our end of the year party decked to the hilt, confident, poised with a smile that said she was used to getting her way. As the girlfriend of one my Dad’s supervisors, she was invited with her boyfriend to join the festivities.
As the night wore on, my mom sat down and opened up small talk, asking where she worked, how she met this guy. Mason was going for her associates degree, met her boyfriend at a bar and moved in with him a few months later.
Finally my mom asked,
“Don’t you ever want to get married and be a mom?” Her face fell, and she seemed to shrink in size, “yes…yes, that’s what I really want. But I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like I’m pushing him”, she confessed, lip trembling.
I’m sitting there, thinking “Woah! Miss confident really just wants to get married? I got news for you hon, sleeping with your boyfriend isn’t the way to get there!”
Why is it that girls today think their boyfriends will marry them if they move in? Where did that come from? As Rock Hudson once said in the 50s
“Love is one product you don’t sell by giving away free samples.”
I feel sorry for these girls who 1) are embarrassed to admit they want to get married and 2) think they have to sleep together to keep his interest!
The hook-up, shack-up, break-up routine just doesn’t cut it.
As ETs, we have the privilege of showing other young women there is a better way. There is more to live for, the traditional model is the best model.
Agree, disagree?
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While I agree with what you’ve written I did get a laugh when you mentioned Rock Hudson’s quote. Ironic that Mr. Hudson would even say that considering he “gave away” AIDS infected “free samples” for years to his longtime male partner and didn’t tell him he was stricken with the disease.
isn’t that a tragedy! Hudson actually made the quote in the film, “Come September” in the early 50s I believe.
Great, great post. And great quote, despite the quoter’s inability to stick to his own advice. The point was well and I’m going to keep the quote in my document of “Good Quotes”.
Thanks!
I agree!!
Totally goes along with what I’m reading again in “Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart” by John Ensor! Great point! It’s indeed very sad. =(
But so great that as Christian young women we get the opportunity to tell them of a better way! =) That’s why it’s always great for us to be ready for those types of situations. Hopefully the Lord will bring us the right opportunities to give encouragment and say the right things!
While I agree with the fact that women should not settle for hooking up and shacking up, I think the argument that “nobody wants to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free” wears somewhat thin in a culture where plenty of couples who have lived together for a year or two or four or more do eventually end up getting married. Now, there are plenty of studies showing that this isn’t good for their marriage, but if one wants to get through to a woman who just wants to get married and show her a better way, I think there are stronger arguments, such as showing her what is right in the eyes of God.
As a feminist, I can’t stand it when Christians quote the “Nobody buys the cow…” line. Don’t they realize they’re comparing women to cattle, and suggesting that the only reason a man would get married is to have sexual access? Is that really the message that Christians want to get behind? (Full disclosure: I’m a Jewish feminist.)
Thanks for commenting Jessica,
What do you think are some helpful ways to communicate this truth to your girl-friends?
Ah, that’s the rub. I don’t think it’s a truth.
This is a good point Katie, what are some other ways we can communicate the joy of faithfulness before marriage and in marriage to girls on the other side of “the fence”?
For many young women, “what’s right in the eyes of God” doesn’t really ring a bell because they have no framework to put that in context. Why should they care what God thinks?
I think two of the main reasons living together before marriage hurts women (I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt men, we are just talking about women right now) are…
1) What Christa mentioned. I have plenty of friends that have been sleeping/living with men for quite a while and don’t seem to understand why he won’t commit. Well, he likes what he is getting, he probably “feels” like it’s the best of both world…the fun of a relationship (not just s*x but always having a person to go to a wedding with, not feeling alone, etc) but none of the commitment. Now to Jessica, I don’t think that is true, just that the type of men who would use a women like often that believe so. I believe the a godly women is a valuable asset to man and that the benefits of marriage to both a husband and wife go so much much farther than “sexual access” as Jessica put it but unless you grew up in a home with a loving committed father and mother, and fewer and fewer people are, you might not see those benefits, you just see the risk of divorce that is so often talked about. And even though I did have that growing up, I have benefited much more from marriage than I thought I would, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
2) And yes, Jessica is right, there are many examples of shack-ups that eventually lead to marriage but I think the vast majority of those come because it is expected and it just sorta happens. I am very thankful that my husband made a thought out , prayerful decision, based on love to commit before God to me and didn’t just wake up one day and say “hey, we’ve been living together for 5 years now and we need a new toaster, maybe we should just get married and have a party.” I know that sentence sounds ridiculous, but from experiences I have seen, it is a lot closer to reality than many would want to admit. That isn’t good for women or marriage.
I think the best way to talk to young women in this situation is to show them that God thinks they are valuable. That they are worthy of commitment and dedication and sacrificial love. I’m so saddened when I see Christian women who have made mistakes in their past give up on the idea of marrying a godly Christian man, thinking that because of those mistakes anyone truly good and worthy wouldn’t want them, so they settle for dating someone with lesser standards, eventually succumbing to those standards. Don’t believe it ladies! No matter what your past is, God can forgive you and change your heart. And a truly godly man will see that change. Everyone enters marriage a sinner, your sins may be different but everyone has them.
Mackenzie,
I just wanted to say I totally agree with your last point especially. The best way to approach a young woman about this topic is not say “you’re breaking rules!!” but “you’re worth so much more than that!” This isn’t just a nice tactic…its the glorious truth!
That was good, Christa. You know, as ETs, I think we should wrap our arms around people who seem to want “what we have”, pray for them ,and encourage them–maybe help them aim higher. But more than anything, don’t turn legalistic on them.
And I love Rock Hudson, by the way =)
Thank you for writing about this topic. I see so many women who are trying to get the things they truly want, but are hindered because of the choices they’ve made. For me, waiting for a man that was willing to make a strong commitment and wanted the same things I did (a family, church activity, etc.) has been the greatest blessing of my life, and has brought me indescribable happiness.
The more we as women can support each other in knowing that we are of great worth, and that there IS a better way, perhaps more of us can sooner enjoy deep, fulfilling and even lasting happiness.
MacKenzie thanks for your comments, and Christa, awesome post!
I absolutely agree with the principles that marriage is sacred. I also agree with what Ella said, that it’s important not to turn legalistic on someone who doesn’t live this principle. Both of my siblings lived with their future spouses before marriage, so I know that it can be a touchy subject (especially with women) that can either push them farther away from the truth or bring them closer if rightly handled.
all I can really say on this topic is: AGREE. I wish more girls realized what they were doing… giving themselves away for nothing, AND turning against what God ordained.
Amen, amen, and AMEN, little sister! Keep up the good work!
I agree…however, if I were to be honest, I’m one of those girls who’s been afraid for a long time to admit to someone that I want to get married.
I agree, Kate, that it can be really touchy… it’s hard to handle in someone you love and care about. You want them to do what’s right, but you don’t want to push them farther away.
Thanks for addressing such a controversial subject, Christa. God bless you for your honesty and straightforwardness!
Christa: I thoroughly agree with this article. Sadly, I have family that don’t believe in this truth, and it can be hard to see them go opposite ways- but I hope that others will follow my own example, because that’s not the way that I’ll be doing things when God brings the right guy into my life. I think it’s also tough for non-Christians especially to understand, because they don’t have that God-connection, and pleasing God isn’t what’s going to be important to them. Thus, showing them the truth starts with showing them God’s love and how it can change people’s lives. When we start from the beginning, people can choose God and turn their lives around- but either way, God’s way will always be the best for people, whether they choose it for self-serving reasons or for God-glorifying reasons. =]
You’re so right on Hannah. My extended family is in the same boat, and you can’t beat truth into people with a club. I keep loving them where there at, while being afraid to talk about the way presented in Scripture. I’m not afraid, and they’re not offended- one of these days I pray they’ll get it.
Just want to leave a comment and let you know that I posted a link to this article on my blog on a post entitled “A Few Good Reads”.
http://www.livingwaterke.com/2009/12/few-good-reads.html